Have U seen sand floating on water
An Amazing sight in the South Pacific….. August 2006, the yacht ‘Maiken’
is traveling in the south Pacific…
Amazing & Interesting World
Women, no matter what type, have a tendency to unintentionally push a man’s buttons in the beginning of a relationship. This usually leads to the “Where did I go wrong?”, and by this time, he’s most likely to avoid any questions you insist on asking him about it. There are ways to avoid this, and there are ways to get your questions answered without having him realize he’s opening up. Which is a subject in itself. I am going to keep this as short, and sweet as possible.
These are 10 mistakes women tend to make with their beaus in the beginning, or start of a relationship, that usually get the break-up ball rolling. These are in no particular order, as they can vary in damage from each man. Just try to make a little note of them, and if you catch yourself in the process of making one, step back and ask yourself if you might regret your actions later on.
1. Ladies, men generally know it is their “responsibility” to make the phone calls. Unless they are extremely insecure, in which case why would you bother anyway, they will call you if they want to talk to you. They will also return your calls to them, if they want to talk to you. Trust in this, if he is into you, he WILL call. If he doesn’t, then be over it. You will only annoy him, and there is no turning back from being annoying. This has never failed, and it never will. I know it’s hard to fight the urge, but this is worth it in the end.
2. I know it’s tempting when your snuggled close together to want to talk about your relationship, and find out where you stand in all this madness. First off, men are more action oriented when it comes to love, the fact he is snuggling with you is his way of showing you he cares about you. Don’t ruin it by trying to analyze things. You’ll find him scooting over and bringing that arm back from around your shoulders real quick. Talking about feelings makes it all too much a reality for a man, and he will close up. You might find a sensitive one here and there, but better safe than sorry.
3. Stop asking questions about his past girlfriends. A question or two about why they broke up is fine, you have a right to know if she tried to kill him. But, too many questions about them can lead to all sorts of problems, that is including a reconciliation. You get him thinking about those good old days, and she might be the one he’s calling tomorrow.
4. Make it a habit of stepping outside yourself if you find that you have been babbling on and on. Most men will listen for a while, but when you start going into how you like to dress your cat for the fall season, you might want to just show him Fluffy’s wardrobe instead of describing it for two hours.
5. Here’s an important one, at least in the beginning, don’t shed any tears. If you’ve caught a sad movie, he’ll find it endearing, but if your sobbing because he forgot to hold your hand or kiss you goodbye, you are turning him off for sure.
6. This is an oldie, but a goodie. Don’t be so available. If you have been out a few times, the next time he asks, say you have plans. He’s not going to give up asking you out because you have a life. Also, if he says he is going out with the boys tell him how cute you think it is, and that you hope they tear it up and have a wild time. You will score points with this, and he’ll be thinking about you while he’s out. I guess you could say you’re putting a little reverse psychology at work here, but this is almost always a fail proof tactic.
7. Okay Ladies, let’s talk about Hallmark cards, greeting cards, and just about any card you can think of. (Handmade Included) Unless it’s a birthday, in which case, you should get something funny and just sign your name, don’t give your guy cards with a short novel written in them, or your latest poetry. This is also including those long drawn out letters, and if your far away a letter is okay, but stay away from the hand to hand kind. Every man I know cringes at the thought of these. I know you want to pour your heart out, but it’s too much for a man to swallow when your first starting out. If he sends them to you, then you can send them back to him with no worries. But, this is highly unlikely, I’m afraid.
8. Most men know that the “I forgot my (fill in the blank )at your place” trick, is a sham. Unless he’s never had any dealings with women, he knows what your trying to do here. If he wants you to leave your things at his place, he’ll say ” Why don’t you just leave that here?” This can really creep some men out. If it really is an accident, they will know you didn’t mean it. It’s a good idea, though, to check and make sure you have everything to avoid him mistakenly thinking you did it on purpose.
9. Unless he asks you, DON’T show up at his work. This should be pretty self explanatory. It’s a bad idea on so many levels.
10. And last but not least, do not bring up marriage, and all your hopes for a huge family. If he asks, trust that he’s not looking for all the dreams you had when you were 12 years old about your wedding day, and the gown you designed. Do not talk about what your kids would look like, and how you would raise them together to be good caring citizens. If he initiates this kind of talk, then you can play around with the topic, but keep it a fun conversation, or he will be dreading he ever brought it up. Unless your a mail order bride, and going over your arrangements, this is something you should avoid drumming up a conversation about.
These are 10 mistakes I see over, and over again. They are made in many different ways, but almost always have the same negative result. The most important thing to remember is that men are different, and they just don’t move to the same beat as our drum. It’s always the best attack to not be like all the other girls who made him uncomfortable, and just let him have a good time. In the beginning, let him hold the keys to all the doors that lead to the “feeling” rooms. He will open them when he’s ready, and lock them for good if you constantly knock on them.
Why are certain persons more successful than others in their personal lives and in their professional environment? Some are perhaps very successful at their homes, having good relationships with their spouses and children, but having many communication problems in their office: problems with bosses, but good relationships with co-workers or vice versa, good relationship with the bosses, but conflicts with other managers and subordinates. Others again are having good relationships at the office at the expense of their marriages and family life: too much time is being spent at the office and the family at home is being felt ignored and left behind.
The root cause of the problem is communication or to be more exact: effective communication. It is actually surprising that a lot of communication is going well most of the time. However, if a communication problem happens, the question: what went wrong? Usually remains an unanswered question. There are plenty of books, articles and websites dedicated to the problems of communication. Some give scientific evidence of communication barriers and obstacles, but leave finding practical solutions to the reader. More practically oriented recipes are difficult to implement due to lack of time and practice. For example the trait assertiveness: it has become common knowledge that it is important to be assertive in daily life. But how can one be assertive if he or she is introvert by nature? On top of personality (extrovert versus introvert), there is the issue of culture: people from certain countries are simply less extrovert than from other countries.
Wouldn’t is be extremely useful to have a simple formula of effective communication which can be used in all circumstances? I think the following formula would be helpful:
SELF-INTEREST + INTEREST OF OTHERS – DISTUBING FACTORS
EC = SI + IO – DF
Let’s look at the three elements of this formula.
When people communicate, self interest is probably the main reason for communication. One is far more interested in his or her own interest than in the interests of others. The above formula can actually be simplified even further by simply stating that communication is equal to self-interest. For this reason, communication is rarely effective because one is not trying to find a common ground in interaction processes but merely seeking a way to fulfill certain short-term interests. The most important problem in communication is probably asymmetry. The two parties in question are having different agendas and different interests which is further complicated by asymmetries of, knowledge, power and authority. For this reason, negotiation skills and tactics have become a very important trait of modern civilization. In the old days, physical strength was the determining factor to force the other party to compromise. Thanks to civilization, consensus can now be reached by communication. This civilizing process is basically a shift from a “command and control” communication culture to a “negotiating and persuasion” culture.
This shift has resulted in a greater emphasis on the ability to effectively communicate verbally and non-verbally with each other. This also implies better education in which development of dialogue skills has become the backbone of modern education. One is at a young age already required to be able to express their thoughts clearly in class presentations, essays, reports and not to mention in theses of various sorts in tertiary educational settings.
INTEREST OF OTHERS
The interest of others has probably been the most important issue in many textbooks about effective communication. The ability to listen, to get and give feedback, to control anger (“anger management”), conflict resolution, stress management, etc., have been discussed in great lengths by many authors, scholars, management trainers, etc.
The problem is accommodating the interests of others have become more important with the introduction of information technology and the ability to trade goods and services in cyberspace. True globalization has probably already occurred in cyberspace where a global 24 hour economy has been created where everybody is exchanging goods, services and information all over the world.
Everybody has become a customer! It is important to look at the needs of others as your customer. This marketing concept was first used in transactional settings, but was introduced in learning organizations and now has become an important concept in all corners of life. The issue of discovering the interests of others has even been infiltrated by non-scientific ‘tools’ like astrology, numerology and tarot cards. Before the discovery of these tools, one was still utilizing (and still is utilizing) many scientific tools offered by psychologists ranging from psychoanalysis, conversation analysis, transactional analysis and the sort resulting in various therapies which might be effective depending on the willingness of the buyer to take it seriously or not.
How can one discover the interests of others? This requires a proactive approach from both parties. Two strategies might be helpful. The first strategy is called the PAIR approval strategy: Placate (listen, empathize, respond with concern); Attend (to the other); Investigate (circumstances details of issue); Resolve (decide on action to take). The second strategy is called the five-step method: listen, respond, decide on action, take action and follow up.
The third element of effective communication is probably the most difficult one: how to eliminate disturbing factors or how to overcome communication barriers. There are basically six types of barriers between people communicating with each other: differences in perception, incorrect filtering, language problems, poor listening, differing emotional states, and differing backgrounds. In order to overcome these barriers, one must be willing to avoid selective perception, condense messages to the bare essentials, use specific and accurate words possible, always verify your interpretation of what’s been said, be aware of the feelings that arise in yourself and in others as you communicate, and attempt to control them.
Communication barriers also exist within organizations. Although all communication is subject to misunderstandings, business communication is particularly difficult. Barriers can be caused by: information overload, message complexity, message competition, differing status, lack of trust, inadequate communication structures, incorrect choice of medium, closed communication climate, unethical communication, inefficient communication, and physical distractions.
There are three distinct moments which can cause many communication barriers in organizations; during negotiations, when dealing with customers, and holding meetings. When you are negotiating, psychological barriers may arise. These psychological barriers may be yours or may belong to the other party. Be aware that people carry some of these barriers and ‘listen’ for their effects. Look for signs of them in the other party (and in yourself) and use your communication skills to ease or lower these barriers. Dealing with customers, in turn, can be very hard because some customers are hard to please and difficult situations can arise. If a high level of service is not provided, the result will not only be loss of business, but often an increase in the number of difficult and even abusive customers. They have not yet been lost.
Deal with them professionally. The negotiating process, finally, demonstrates a fundamental tension between the claiming and creating of value. Value claimers view negotiations purely as an adversarial process. Each side stride tries to claim as much of a limited pie as possible by giving the other side as little as possible. Each party claims value through the use of manipulative tactics, forcible arguments, limited concessions, and hard bargaining. Value creators, in contrast, call for a process which results in joint gains to each party. They try to create additional benefits for each side in the negotiations. They emphasize shared interests, developing a collaborative relationship, and negotiating in a pleasant and cooperative manner.
An Amazing sight in the South Pacific….. August 2006, the yacht ‘Maiken’
is traveling in the south Pacific…